This is exactly why I don't talk about the sperm donor.

WARNING: This post is a HUGE rant that covers a couple of decade’s worth of shit and even then I’m barely touching on SO many things. I TOTALLY understand if you want to run screaming from it. I want to run screaming from it, and it’s my life! If you do dare to actually read it, well then, consider yourself forewarned.

*****

I have an ex-husband. I admit it.

It’s not that I hide my first marriage. Not in the least. My first marriage played a very big part in shaping the person I am today. I just usually refer to it indirectly (second marriage, second husband, etc.). If you have checked out my sidebar, you might have noticed that I acknowledge my ex-husband briefly. Very. Briefly. And then I go on to say that I don’t like to talk about him. EVER.

I hate my ex-husband. Hate him. Yes, I did just use the H word. And yes, I do know how harsh that sounds.

I met my ex when I was a senior in high school. My first job was at the local roller skating rink (remember those?) and my ex worked there too. We met and got along well enough and started dating about a month after I started working at the rink.

Our relationship…..overall…..was volatile. I can’t think of a better word to describe it. We fought A LOT. I wouldn’t say it was abusive. But it sure as hell wasn’t healthy. It took me years to figure out that I jumped from the frying pan into the fire. I used him as my excuse to get away from my family, which was dysfunctional with a capital D.

I fooled myself into thinking that I loved my ex and stayed in the relationship because the alternative to me was so much worse. It was either him or my family. And it was imperative that I stay away from my family. They were quicksand to me (but that’s a post for another day). So I stayed. Even though he treated me badly. Even through the drugs. Even through the lies.

And then we broke up for a while. Sure, I know NOW that the break up was the best thing. But then? Breaking up with my ex forced me back to my family, which by this time was totally falling apart. I didn’t want to be around that. I still felt I had to get away from them. So when my ex apologized, I took him back.

I was pregnant with my son soon after and we were married a few months later.

After my son was born (at least I think it was after), my ex started having unexplained seizures that left him on disability and without a driver’s license. We had to move in with his parents, which just added more stress and things were already bad between us. By the time he went back to work and we moved out, the relationship was in shambles. The lies started again. When I confronted him with the huge lie he had told all along about his health issues, I said it was over. I took my son and left.

I struggled on my own. And I made mistakes. HUGE mistakes. Mistakes that I still kick myself for. One of those mistakes gave my ex the foothold he needed to separate my son from me. After that, he filed for divorce. Before the divorce was final, I felt like I hadn’t given the marriage 100% effort. I know now that it really was about still staying away from my family. I just didn’t have enough faith in myself.

The lies continued. My ex said that he had a vasectomy. Can you guess what happened next? You got it. I wound up pregnant. Luckily, that pregnancy did not go to term. I can’t even begin to imagine what it would have been like if we had another child together. I don’t want to.

Sadly, I stayed with him for quite a few more months. The divorce was final, but we were still dating. At some point, I FINALLY got a clue! I realized that I had given the marriage every effort, and that I deserved so much better. I told my ex that it was over.

To say he took it badly was an understatement. And he had the upper hand. He had my son. My ex knew that I wanted nothing to do with him, but he knew I wanted my son. And he used it against me every chance he got. When I moved out of state a few years later, I tried to work with my ex on a reasonable visitation, but he would have none of it. The day I left CA was the worst day ever. I didn’t see my son after that for 7 years.

My ex wasn’t planning to make it easy for me to stay in touch. He changed his phone number and refused to let me have it to try to keep me from contacting my son. He even took my son out of town on a weekend I drove back to CA. Yes, my ex knew I was coming. I made plans with him a month in advance. He was just being vindictive. I also knew he was bad mouthing me to my son (which was confirmed in a conversation my son and I had a couple of year s ago). He even told my son that if I attended his high school graduation, he wouldn’t be there. I showed up anyway (TAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKER!).

Thankfully, my son’s (paternal) grandmother made sure I was in his life. She is the primary reason I have such a good relationship with my son today. I will never forget her for that.

*****

I told you all of that because of the phone call I received from my son today. It started off as any other normal conversation. He wanted to get a phone number from me. The more he talked, though, the more I knew something was off. So I asked what happened. He said his father kicked him out last night.

And I wanted to kill my ex. Right fucking then and there.

My son was out here in Utah for a visit just a week ago. We talked about how things were at home. I was concerned at how my son described his father’s recent actions. They didn’t make sense to me. I wondered if his actions had anything to do with my son coming out to visit me. I kept it to myself, though, for my son’s sake. I only said here and there that I didn’t agree with certain things and that I didn’t understand why his father was being that way.

When my son went back home it seemed like things were going to be okay. He told his father he was going to move up to Sacramento because the city college there had space available in his degree (the junior college in Stockton where he currently lives is full). I supported his decision and it sounded like his father did too.

I don’t know what changed. And neither does my son. An argument yesterday culminated in my ex telling my son to get out and leave his keys. He also told my son that he is not allowed to call the house or his father’s cell phone. My son is not allowed to go to the house to get his things. Until this Thursday. For 3 hours. Seriously?!?!

I am at a loss. I don’t understand this at all. My son doesn’t do drugs. He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t smoke. He goes to his classes. He EXCELS in his classes. He is responsible. I DO NOT understand what could have happened that would justify this kind of reaction from my ex.

And it makes me wonder if it has to do with me. Is this my ex’s final vengeful act? He can’t use custody against me anymore, since my son is an adult. So is this his one last ditch effort to try to hurt me? I don’t know.

What does hurt me is that I’m not close enough to help my son. I want so badly to be there for him. But I can’t. And it kills me right now. I’ve been crying on and off since I got his call today. I know my son is strong and he will get through this, but I feel like he needs me. And dammit I’M HIS MOTHER! I should be there, right?

Good job, sperm donor. You get an A+ for acting like an ass and driving your son away. I hope you’re proud of yourself. Because in the end, YOU’RE the one who has truly lost.

Wordless Wednesday - the best picture EVAH!

What can I say? I makez pretty peoplez!

*updated* You go to hell winter! You go to hell and you die!

I guess it's time to accept the fact that summer (and apparently fall too for that matter) is over. The weather people say that we're getting snow tomorrow and Wednesday, so I guess I have to accept it (even though I don't trust the weather people as far as I can throw them). I sure as hell don't plan on giving up without a fight, though!

These pictures from our day at Lagoon-A-Beach have been sitting in a blank post for a while now (cuz my brain has been on freakin overload lately). They're the perfect way to stick my tongue out at winter's attempts to cut in line this year, don't you think?

P.S. Ash may have a little pink on her thigh, but I'm the one who ended up fried to a crisp that day. Ah, memories!

Update - Winter's tendrils have apparently have started to creep into my brain, cuz I completely forgot a title to this post. I channeled South Park and think I came up with a good one. Winter totally needs to heed that warning.

Tales of a 5th grade superstar!

 

She's a superstar in my eyes, of course.

This child, who regularly sends me to my *happy place*.

This child, who is not a mini me, but is a spot-on mini him (in personality more than anything).

This child, who couldn't wait to get rid of me on her 1st day, even at a brand new school.

This child, who was FINALLY able to give us the details of her day at school without a single "I don't know."

This child, who was AMAZED at having more lunch choices at her new school (and actually had a salad on her 2nd day. WHO IS THIS GIRL?).

This child, who is growing up so fast. She truly is a superstar.

Auntie Stacey is a slacker.

I missed the birthdays for my sister's kids this year. All. Of. Them. The fact that I can't even remember if I did anything last year for their birthdays is irrelevant. Most of last year I was in a drunken haze. So this year, I set up reminders on Birthday Alarm to help me with my alcohol-induced amnesia. Yeah, well...I think I need to upgrade to the package where they send you a messenger that repeatedly pokes you with a special event cattle prod until you actually DO something to acknowledge the event. To them, not you. It's all about THEM, remember?

I'm the fucking world's worst aunt.

So here I am, almost a week AFTER the last of their birthdays, and I am just now getting their cards done. I started with my neice's card. I figure that at 12, she is much more likely to get my humor than the other two (but I toned it down even for her - no need to traumatize her any more than is standard for the near teenage years). So here is how I try to somehow redeem myself:

Yep I know *exactly* how late I am with this. I do. Many days lately, I am a slacker. Auntie Stacey is a slacker! LOL Even though I am a slacker, I promise you I was thinking of you on your birthday. Were your ears burnin'? I telepathically sent you lots of love, so if you all of a sudden felt warmth and surrounded by a big invisible hug, that was me. :) We hope you had a great birthday! You've grown so fast and I can't forget holding you when you were a baby. Ok I'll stop embarrassing you now! Just know we love you! Happy Belated Birthday!

I hope she likes it and forgives me for being such a slacker. Maybe next year will be better. Depends on how much I drink, I guess.

It's totally OK if it itches in public.

I was reading a post from this awesome blog I recently started following. The part about a toddler complaining about poopie in her ba'gina got me thinking (after I got up from rolling around on the floor of course).

The sperm donor's sister had a wonderful son John James. One day many many many MANY years ago, she caught him scratching his boy parts. Really diggin in there, apparently. The following conversation is just too GAWD DAMN FUNNY to be made up:

Susie: John, don't scratch yourself there!

John James: But it itches mommy!

Susie: Well.........just don't scratch it in public.

John James: But what if it ITCHES IN PUBLIC?????

Obviously this happened before puberty set in and his brain migrated to his boy parts & lost the ability to think of these things, ask them, or even give a rats ass about them (and any men reading this,you know you were snickering before you decided to be all offended).

Kids totally rock.

I am gonna need a whole lotta ????? to get through tomorrow.

I took tomorrow off work so that I could get all my appointments done in one day. As of right now, here's how tomorrow should go:

8 am - DMV for vehicle registration - Draper
8 am - College placement test - West Jordan (cuz the stinkin' DMV is closed on Fridays & so now I have to try to get over there right after work today...wtf? Good thing it's just down the street from where I work. & an explanation of why I'm taking a placement test is coming)

11 am - Latest chiro S&M session (except that it doesn't really hurt that much anymore so I guess it's just more of a manhandling session now. Nice!) - Riverton

12:15 pm - Orthodontist appointment (daughter) - Riverton (right across the street from the chiro...I actually caught a break there.)

2 pm - Hair appointment (me) - Sandy

4:15 pm - Eye doctor appointment (daughter) in Orem

HOLY FREAKIN' CRAP! Let's throw something else in there that needs to be done in Ogden while we're at it cuz I really don't think I'm gonna be driving enough tomorrow.

goodbye jim.....

my son's grandfather (the sperm donor's dad) passed away on monday. my son is taking this really hard and i feel for him. they had the wonderful opportunity to really get to know each other. i'm so glad for that. i don't have many details, but my understanding is that it was cardiac failure of some sort. it is sad that he is gone, but i was told he didn't suffer, which is good.

i can't say that he & i had the best relationship. for a long time, the man thought i was the anti-christ, the devil incarnate or something inherently evil. however, he did come to realize at some point that it totally takes two to tango & that i wasn't the worst parent in the world. once he did that, things changed between us. i know that he was only looking out for his family and after all that, i can honestly say that he was a good man.

rest in peace jim. you will be missed.

no one would blame me, right?

if i just smothered my husband with a pillow? i'm not really serious, but this morning, it was dicey there for a bit. i've pretty much been up since @ 3 am this morning. and it's all bcuz of him & his freakin' sleep apnea! crap! he's had it for years, but was diagnosed and started treatment only in the last year or so. now.....let me paint a good & clear pic for you. his snoring is HORRIBLE!!!!! it's progressively gotten worse over the years to the point where it started either keeping me from falling asleep or waking me up in the middle of night. and many times both! i told him to go get it checked out, but did he? OF COURSE NOT!!!!! why should he listen to me? i don't know anything. when he was injured a couple of years ago, the hospital staff told him the exact same thing i had been saying. he still didn't get it checked out. freak! meanwhile, he complained that he wasn't getting decent rest (DUH!!!!!) and that would just set me off. OF COURSE he wasn't getting decent rest, cuz he'd stop breathing a million times during the night. HELLO??????? finally he got into a sleep study and was diagnosed with (.....wait for it.....wait for it.....TA DA!) sleep apnea. HOLY FREAKIN SHIT! what a breakthrough! he was placed on a cpap immediately and the pressure is set very high. the mask he has to wear shifts during the night and makes anywhere from a low whistle to a high howling noise. this is helpful? then of course during the night, he takes it off. what happens then? he snores! can't i get a break here?

so this morning, the mask starts making the howling noise @ 3 am. what does he do? takes it off and immediately starts snoring. i'm awake by now so once the snoring commences, it's nearly impossible for me to go back to sleep. i finally get up & get ready for work @ 6, and i doubt that i will make it through the day today. but, i will try. and, i will try not to smother him with a pillow tonight. however, if i am unable to resist the urge to have a relatively decent night's sleep myself, no one would really blame me, right? LOL

time to say goodbye.....

my son is leaving today to go back to california. he's been here for just about a week and it's been so great having him here. it only took 11 years for him to be able to come visit me, but that would have to be another post.

i hate saying goodbye. it sucks.

the removal of talon

life isn’t fair. no, this is not news to me. i’ve been well aware of this for quite some time now. sometimes, though, life is just more unfair than it should be.

last night, my friend had to surrender her adopted 6-month old son, talon. a large group of family, friends, and neighbors gathered to support my friend and her family at this difficult time. originally, the family was told the baby would be taken at 6 pm. i arrived at their house at about 5:40 pm. around five minutes later, someone came outside and announced that the baby wouldn’t be taken until 7 pm and that everyone could go either come back closer to then or go inside the house. many wondered, including me, if the delay was a ploy to have fewer people at the house. i decided to stay and went inside to see my friend. she was standing inside the door with talon sleeping in her arms. i hugged her and couldn’t hold back my tears. i whispered how sorry i was, knowing that my words would do little to ease her suffering. i stayed in the house for a while, amazed at all the love and support inside and outside of the house. i really had no idea what to do and felt somewhat helpless, but i heard someone say that it was enough to just be there. two local news crews were there interviewing my friend and others in the house. a police car arrived at 7:15 pm with a car seat then left. the supporters outside, who were talking amongst each other, became quiet. after a while (not sure what time it was), more police cars arrived escorting another car. the people outside were asked to clear the walkways. the supporters began to sing a hymn. my friend and her family brought out talon, placed him in the car, said their final goodbyes, and watched as their son was taken away. i didn’t see anyone there that wasn’t emotional at this point.

my friend has been in a legal battle practically since birth to keep talon. the birth mother, an admitted heroin addict, chose my friend’s family as the adoptive parents. after giving birth and signing over talon, she changed her mind and wanted him back. the birth mother is part native american and got the tribe involved to help get the baby back. the day that talon turned 6 months old, my friend was told that they would have to surrender him to the tribe. both of the birth parents have been deemed unfit due to their drug use, however, so talon will be placed in foster care. this just doesn’t make sense to me! how is it right to take talon from a loving, stable home and place him in foster care just because he is part native american? he doesn’t even have enough blood to be considered for admittance into the tribe, and yet they have fought tooth and nail to make sure that my friend’s family can’t have him. it’s just so wrong! i had the wonderful opportunity to meet talon on friday. i was able to hold him and feed him. he was such a joy to be around. even when he was hungry and tired, he was always happy. the love in the house was so apparent from the moment you walked in, even with all that they’ve been through. so, for me, it is hard to grasp how the tribe can take him from that loving home and place him with strangers.

you can read talon’s adoption story by clicking here. you can also click on the links to see the news stories for ksl channel 5 and kutv channel 2.

step sister - a new definition

it's taken nearly 20 yrs, but i finally met my other step sister this past weekend. holy cow - has she redeemed my view of step sisters. i have 2 others that have in some ways been very much like drizella and anastasia. and certainly way more often than i would like. i really enjoyed meeting the other one, though. she is 10 yrs younger than me and has a 2 yr old little girl. it was such a pleasure to spend time with them. and her little girl was so cute! i definitely look forward to getting together with her again in the future.

as for the other 2 i have, let's just say that absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. (insert evil laugh here - hahahahahaha!)