and exactly how big will this something be?

today's horoscope reads:

something big is coming, and it might come before you are completely ready for it! so preparation is the big theme for you today, and you'd be wise to double check your finances. look for opportunities to travel -- do you have all your shots? is your passport valid? there are clues dropping regarding all things romantic, and by the end of the day you will probably have enough information to make an educated guess. things are going to start getting exciting!

i dunno if i'm ready for any more excitement.

i have no intention of growing old gracefully...i plan on fighting it kicking & screaming the WHOLE way

i'm not old. i may be nearing 40 & blind as a bat without my contacts/glasses, but i am NOT old. & i'm sure i will continue to say that even on the day i get put in a home. i've been lucky in that i don't look my age (at least that's what other people tell me & it's managing to make it past the short-term memory dump i seem to have each night, so who am i to argue?). i don't even have a problem with my age, usually. i'm not sure, but the day my son graduated from high school & the day he turned 18 might have been exceptions to that. i really don't remember much of those days. anyway, i always say, "you're only as old as you feel", which helps me forget at least for a little while. tequila & beer helps too. the bottom line is that i don't actually feel like i'm finishing up my 4th decade on this earth.

that was until..........

i saw a piece of lint in my eyebrow recently. i started pulling on it & i became like the mother in the movie bachelor party where she's trying to take the 'footlong' off the tray from nick the dick. it wouldn't come off! so i was all, "the hell? the HELL? OH NO! A GREY HAIR! in my EYEBROW? guess i can't complain too much. at least it's not a pubic hair!"

it's the 1st one i have ever found, but that doesn't say much. the past 10 years i've been dying my hair to destroy any evidence of ...... (if you've known me longer than that, you know, but plz don't tell) i could have a shit load of them and just not know it. why couldn't the grey hair be there? then i could gladly live in blissful ignorance.

now begins the debate: to pluck or not to pluck? you hear a lot these days how it's bad to pluck your eyebrows. natural is better. fuck you. if we were all natural, we'd all have bushy cavewomen unibrows. that's attractive. i leave mine alone for the most part, except for the strays that must have come from my monkey ancestors that SO need to just stay buried in the past. and this stupid grey hair is right in the middle of my eyebrow. so what to do - leave it alone or pull that mf'r out as fast as i can? it could leave a gaping hole in my eyebrow. how would i explain that? "um, we had a little laser pointer mishap at our last staff meeting. that's actually fucking awesome.

i haven't actually decided yet what to do with it, even though each time i see it i lean more towards plucking. i should just do it & get it over with. then i can go back to my mantra, even if i'm the only one who believes it. i still don't feel old. i just hope it doesn't multiply & spread. the day i find a grey pubic hair will be a sad day indeed.

update - i guess there will come a day when even i won't believe the bullshit that comes out of my mouth. i fell asleep during the digital scrapbooking webinar i took last nite. i'm screwed.

the 'love' of a good friend

don't know what i would do without my friends. especially those that are nearly as warped as i am. case in point:

me: hey hunny! wacha doin?

donna: oh.....i'm gettin' outta my pants.

me: wooWOO BABY!

donna: ha ha that's right. just for you.

me: i'm so special!

donna: i don't get outta my pants for just anyone.

me: that's right!

penis doggie, penis doggie, penis doggie.....haha now it's stuck in your head too!

ever wonder how certain things just get stuck in your head?

yep, me too. LOL

my most recent experience with this phenomena was after reading this blog post. i now cannot get 'penis doggie' out of my head. it's awesome!

the white truck with the dangly balls.....

i was driving to a recent chiro appt, minding my own business (which is not entirely true, cuz i was on the way to the chiro & cuz utah is chock full of idiot drivers. lol). i didn't have much farther to go when i got behind a white truck with something hanging below the rear bumper.



i was all, "the hell? what IS that?" so i took a closer look.

& i was all, NO FUCKING WAY! that truck does NOT have testicles hanging on the back of it! but what else could have been? exactly! lucky for me, the truck was in the turn lane next to me when i had to turn to go to the chiro. i quickly take these crappy cell phone pics before we have to turn (cuz i'm a responsible driver in a sea of idiocy, remember?) i then notice that there is a bumper sticker in the back window that says:

how's my driving
call 1-800-eat-shit

was i surprised? hell no! why wouldn't a truck with testicles hanging on it have that bumper sticker? i was still laughing when i got to the chiro.

the next nite, i was out with some work friends, havin' some drinks, and some laughs. i remembered that i still had the pics on my cell phone and started to show them to the co-worker sitting next to me. this shit was just too damn funny:

i admit, there was A LOT of alcohol involved. but can you look at these pics & not laugh? i didn't think so.

me: oh! you gotta see what i was driving behind yesterday! (taking out my cell phone)

micah: was it the truck with the dangly balls?

me: YES! (now laughing my ass off again) how did you know?

micah: i've driven by it too before. (he's laughing too). it's a white truck.

me: yes.

i would rather have driven nails into my skull than hear these songs back then.....

Dexy's Midnight Runners by Come On Eileen

i was ready to call the radio stations & pay to get them to stop playing this song. it's funny now, because if the song comes on, you can catch me singing, "come on eileen ta-lu-ri-ay!"

Culture Club by Do You Really Want To Hurt Me

culture club did not impress me when they 1st hit the scene. and it didn't help that this song always seemed to be on the radio. all it took were the those 1st three words, "give me time", and i was desperately searching for a new station. but culture club had other songs that i really like and eventually i came around to this song.

Nena by 99 Red Balloons

99 red balloons/99 luftbaloons.....this song drove me batty! you never knew whether the station would play the german or english version. either way, i was scratchin' my head thinking, "wtf is she trying to say?" and the english version made no freakin sense at all. this song still makes my ears bleed, although less than it used to.

where's a pensieve when you need one? oh wait, here's some super glue. that'll work.

i'm finding that i need to keep something to write on near by at all times. you can't find a room at home that doesn't have a notepad of some sort in it. if i don't write my thoughts down right away, then i either 1) over analyze it and change it until it doesn't even closely resemble what i initially thought of to begin with (and then of course is totally NOT funny) or 2) i tip my head at some point afterwards and the thought just falls out of my brain with no pensieve to go into. i wonder sometimes if it's just possible to super glue the thoughts back in my brain? wait! sniffing glue. there's the solution. when the thoughts fall out, i can snif some glue & then stick the thougths back in there. & if i use super glue, that shit is NEVER coming out. i might have just come up with a cure for alzheimers. i should totally be a doctor.

death by acne

last nite, i was looking in the mirror & noticed that my face has broken out yet again. i also was feeling kind of low, so i started to put 2 & 2 together – my zits are making me sad. the possible reasons for this are: 1) my zits are full of quaaludes or 2) they are tapping into my next bought of pms. both of which are advocates against the “no touch” general rule for zits. if i’m right, pop away! you gotta get that shit out of there before they spread. if they are full of quaaludes & spread, there’s always the danger of od’ing. my death certificate would read, “death by acne.” awesome. if they are just coming from the pms, well…..i guess the only question would be, “could i really be anymore of a bitch?”

the answer depends on just who you ask.

*updated* the shock treatments didn't work.....or did they?

there might be a problem when an innocent lunch invitation turns into inappropriate daydreams. i mean, is like everyone out there a potential bed buddy in my mind? wtf?

i think the shock treatments have backfired. either that or they were trying to turn me into a nymphomaniac where no one is safe. that would be awesome.

update - i gotta call saying that the treatments will be increased. there was also a mention of upping the voltage. apparently i've become a danger to society. damn.....i was just starting to come around to the nympho idea.

it's gotta be a house of ill repute disguised as a chiro office.....

another day, another chiro appt. i actually was dreading going today, cuz the adjustments still hurt like a motha, but.......... well, ya know.

after the adjustments, the chiro checks my strength in my hands. my left hand isn't that great yet, but it is getting better. he decides to work on my forearm/elbow some more to try to help. he begins to tell me about a new attachment he is getting soon. says its for the vibrating massager tool & that it really strips the muscle. and i think, ok, that could be interesting. he explains that it has a blade on it & kind of shows me with his hands what it will feel like (apparently only deeper). so i ask if it's a deep tissue massager and he says yes. he then explains that it CAN cause bruising. wh-wh-wha-wha-what? stripping & bruising? um, what the HELL have i signed up for? and then i just start rolling on the table & i can't stop.....

s is for the.....

in today's quest to avoid my work, i came up with an acronym for snow. as you can imagine, it is snowing again today. i know i have said this, but i am done. i am SO done. i am BEYOND done. and no i'm not exaggerating.

if it helps, i am hearing the tune to "m is for the..." in my head. among other things. the voices are really the ones that told me to do this.

S is for the slick & slippery roadways

N is for the nimrod idiots who don't deserve to have a license (and might not actually have one) & have no business being on the road (ok so that line doesn't quite fit with the tune....bite me!)

O is for the OMG!.....I.....CAN'T.....STOP!!!!!

W is for when will spring really be here?

you may think i'm bitter from reading this. do i SOUND bitter? do i? DO I?????

OF COURSE i'm fucking bitter!!!!! LOL wanna criticize? come here 1st & drive in this crap & then try to criticize.